Suicide

I will start this blog with a disclaimer that I will probably come across as selfish and it may even trigger some people. Remember though this is my blog with my thoughts and insight from someone living with a severe mental illness. You are choosing to read it. As I sit here tonight, I have cried lots of tears. I have dreaded this day since sometime in February when I realized it was only a month and a half away. On this night a year ago I decided to take my own life. The last few days leading up to today and even all day today I felt completely unconnected to everyone around me. I couldn’t stop thinking about that night while no one else remembered that night or the day after, or the week after. It is strange because the last few days and even weeks all those same feelings have been back. That same emptiness in my chest, yet so empty is is painful. 

I want to digress a little and think about how we support people. When someone close to you comes to you and says maybe they are getting a divorce or going to quit their job. Maybe they decide they are moving a long distance away. We often respond that we just want them to be happy. If they are talking about getting a divorce we don’t think about their spouses feelings, we just support the person who we are close to and tell them their happiness is more important. If someone tells us they are moving we may say we will be sad and miss them but we usually again say their happiness is what matters. We encourage people to be selfish and put their feelings before our own or before someone else’s. So now I ask why is suicide considered selfish, why is it the one time we as people expect our hurt to be more import than the person who wants to commit suicide. Our hurt of losing them is supposed to be more important then the hurt they feel inside. 

I actually remember the first time I tried to commit suicide, I was 11, and I ended up in my first hospitalization. I can honestly say that since that time I struggle weekly with the thought. I have not had that moment when life seems to be so great and I am so happy that I am glad I am still here. I see life as a struggle everyday that I am just trying to survive, but never do I feel like I am living life. I can honestly say that 100% of the time I feel completely alone in this world. As I typed that last sentence my eyes filled with tears. A couple weeks ago I sat at work overwhelmed with anxiety and sadness. I sat and cried in the back office in the middle of the night wishing life to be over, doing whatever I could to talk myself out of ending my life. I just kept thinking how I wished I had someone I could call, someone I could text, someone I could message. But there was no one I felt I could reach out to and sat in panic mode for hours.

Since this day a year ago, I have seen the trauma I caused my girls. Working nights means I sleep during the day. If they cannot reach me, even though they know I am sleeping, they panic and think I have died. On more than one occasion they have thought I was dead to the point they have gotten a ride to my apartment to make sure I am alive. In December of last year my oldest rushed through a final exam to speed walk to my apartment after I missed taking her to her exam and her brother to therapy. I must have been exhausted because I was so asleep I did not hear her come into the apartment, up the stairs, and she scared the crap out of me when she woke me up. I still feel guilty that she just rushed through the exam and put down answers so she could get to me. I have the belief that when we have kids it is the one time we are not allowed to be selfish. Our happiness always and I mean ALWAYS comes second to theirs. Even when it comes to addictions and mental illness we need to do everything we can to always put them first. This past year realizing I put my hurt before theirs is the only thing that has kept me alive. It is my job to live in pain and sadness and not end my life because I have to put them first and leaving this world would hurt them. Those two humans are the only reason I am alive today. 

What I will say to those reading who are looking for ways to support people in your life with mental illness is remember these types of dates. Remember events that maybe were not significant to you but were significant to the person with the mental illness. It does not have to be something such as a suicide attempt as it is in this situation. I will add it does not even have to be a sad event. Happy events can trigger those with mental illness as well because often those happy events are so few and far between that remembering them makes us sad. We feel like we will never get those events again or we miss those events and wish we could go back in time to them. 

So as I sit here tonight on the anniversary of my suicide attempt there are so many thoughts that come to mind. I think of the fact that I am still hurting inside, I am still alone, I am angry those few people close to me did not remember this day and think about how I might be feeling and reach out. I think about how little to nothing has changed over the past year. But I also wonder if my time is coming to be happy. I wonder if my life will ever be different or if I will ever not be so alone. I try to make goals to do things that will change my life. But I also tell myself it is okay to sit here tonight and feel what I am feeling and cry and feel the hurt and sadness. I remind myself of those two humans that are so perfect in my eyes, that my hurt comes second to theirs. Therefore I can’t give into the thoughts of wanting to end my life tonight.

Acceptance Coping Skills Delusions Depression Friendships Help Mental Health Awareness Mental illness Psychiatric Hospital Rejection Relationships Resiliance Schizophrenia Suicide Attempt Support Trauma