“Everybody knows, everybody knows” repeatedly goes through my mind. “Crazy”, “psycho”, “not all there” are some of the terms I’ve been called when it comes to my mental health. People I thought cared have called me these names or made remarks about “needing help”. I see ads or hear about political campaigns for mental health services or awareness. I often wonder though if those who are behind those really truly know what it means to be mentally ill or even how many of those trying to get the awareness out has called someone “crazy” or “psycho”. If everybody knew walked a day in our shoes would they be so quick to call names or keep their distance. There is a fear people might fight out, but in my mind everybody already knows.
I recently lost my job, I can look back and see where my mental health played a role in things. I often walked around work at night and my coworkers would say something just trying to make conversation. In my mind “everybody knows” means I would make some distant connection, about something I had thought about or had happen.I was sure they were referring to me. Reality is I know there is no way they can read my thoughts. But in my mind “everybody knows” so they know my thoughts or events of life. I than turn to thinking they are part of the organization that is after me. So when I lost my job I was certain they were after me and really had to focus on the facts to not lose track.
One of the hardest things about losing my job is there were a handful of people there who I truly considered friends. People I had given rides to and from work during the winter. People who I helped out when they were struggling by covering a shift. People I truly thought were my friends. Since being fired the hardest thing has been is not one person reached out to me to check on me or say “hey, I am still your friend”. I often wondered if it is because they knew about my mental health struggles and did not want to be my friend. To go through a difficult thing like losing a job only intensifies that feeling of “everybody knows” and makes me feel even more as though I have to hide my struggles.
Being friends with someone who has mental health issues I know is difficult. I know being my friend is difficult. I also know I am more likely to stay on my medications and take steps to better myself when I feel like I have genuine people who support me in life. Even if it is simple messages or once a year visits because of distance, I don’t feel so alone and afraid of people finding out the struggles I have. I know I try to push friends away though too because of fears they will leave. If we all struggled with serious mental health issues and everybody knew than maybe it would be easier to be friends with those of us who are different.
I often see people who are homeless and have worked with people who are homeless with severe mental health issues, or even the same diagnosis. It is always interesting to me that when talking to those with similar issues “everybody knows” is not going through my mind. When I was in the psychiatric unit “everybody knows’ was not on repeat in my mind. There was a sense of belonging or acceptance. A sense that I could let my fear go and be me because they knew what I was going through. There is one guy I think I used to date. I say it that way because I often struggle wondering if I made the relationship up in my mind, because when it ended he said he never wanted the relationship. He never came out and said he had mental health issues but I knew he had experiences similar to mine enough so that I was not afraid of him knowing. What is interesting is during that time we spent in each others lives everyday he would ask if I took my medications. Certain people in life have the ability to take the fear away while the majority have us feeling we have to hide.
I often tell myself that I am the normal one and those without mental health issues are the ones who are the minority. Maybe it is my way of coping with my struggles. I often wonder what life would be like if I did not have to hide who I was. If people did not leave because times got hard being in my life. I often wonder what life would be like without delusions, depression, anxiety, and not constantly hearing “everybody knows” while living life. I often wonder what life would be like the day of someones shoes who did not have severe mental health issues.
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