Acceptance

“Maybe I just need to accept I will never have friends” I said to my mom. She had just finished telling me how she read my last blog. After the last two blogs she had the same feeling of “but what can I do to help”. She has seen me struggle my entire life with my mental health. She knows how it impacts my ability to interact with others. But what does accepting how life is really mean and maybe I already have. 

My oldest turns 18 in a few days and for the last several birthdays we celebrate as a family. She has no friends, I am her best friend. She is on the autism spectrum. She has social anxiety and overthinks every word. She is intelligent way beyond her ability to realize it. She is more mature than even I am most days. She seems to have accepted how life is for her, going about life with no care to change. She attends a weekly group to work on social skills only because I force her to go. So while she is working on change, she is okay with life how it is, she has accepted life. I am her best friend. She is content with letting fate and life guide her whichever direction it does socially. 

I think back to elementary school and the struggles I had to make friends. I often wonder how it is all these years later and I still don’t know how to be social. I know how to sit in front of a tv with someone. As long as we don’t have to talk, I can handle it. If we have to talk, I stress about what to talk about. I must avoid any topic that might make me think they were sent here to spy on me. So there goes all the normal conversations people have. Even if someone were to comment about the weather, I will twist that into they were here to spy on me. All because we have nothing in common, so we are talking about the weather. Back to watching television in the safe zone. Growing up, I would watch a television show with another kid. It could not be a cartoon because that requires one to think non-living creatures were able to talk. Most kids did not want to watch Unsolved Mysteries. So the struggle began and I definitely never accepted the lack of friends when I was younger. 

I can look back at my pattern of confusing friendship with people using me. If I can’t offer a normal friendship I will help people. I could not accept being alone and having no friends so I would let people use me. I have given up and lost so much in life helping others in exchange for their company. It was only recently I realized I was creating my own trauma by doing this to myself. I would often blame the other people, only was it really their fault? I was the one not accepting my situation and putting myself around unhealthy people to use me. It is easy to be a victim in a situation. How many times can a person put themselves in the same kind of situation with a different person, before accepting the blame? Maybe this realization is what has started my journey of accepting. 

Can one accept something but still work on improving it both at the same time? I am learning to be content hanging out with myself. My favorite joke is that I have great conversations with the voices in my head. Each day I see where I am more and more content being alone. When I moved into my apartment, I would panic when neither of the girls wanted to come over. I would be alone by myself. I have accepted this isolation and even embraced it. I look at the positive of less dishes to wash. However, I had this thought. Maybe I don’t have to worry so much about what to talk about with others if we had a common activity. So I asked the only person close to me who is not genetically related to teach me some activities. Is this still accepting or again am I trying to reach for connection?  Is this still accepting or again am I trying to reach for connection? 

I don’t do fluid thinking, I do black and white, one way or another. So the thought that maybe I am accepting this idea that life can still be full without friends is a difficult one. I am learning activities that could possibly expose myself to friendships. Two opposite possibilities happening at the same time is not possible in my normal thinking. Maybe because everyone is a spy I can only handle superficial friendships where we partake in a common activity. Even writing this I can feel the acceptance I have in life about friendships. Historically, I would be sitting in a mess of tears. I would be frantically reaching out to someone. The sadness of being alone would overwhelm me. The peace I feel within is acceptance. We each have to figure out what works for us. At some point, instead of looking at what we don’t have, we accept what we do have. We then make it the best we can.

Acceptance Coping Skills Delusions Depression Friendships Mental Health Awareness Mental illness Psychiatric Hospital Rejection Relationships Resiliance Schizophrenia Suicide Attempt Trauma